


Genesis Revisited

by DalekQueen7



Category: Christian Bible, Religion - Fandom
Genre: POV Lucifer, Plotting, Unfairness, poor snake, what really happened
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-06
Updated: 2016-11-06
Packaged: 2018-08-29 11:11:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8487106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DalekQueen7/pseuds/DalekQueen7
Summary: Lucifer clears up some things. Trigger warnings for irreverence and heresy.





	

Hello. Lucifer here.

No, wait! I know you’re thinking ‘Ahh! It’s the Devil trying to taint my soul!’ or something of that nature, but just wait a second. Hear me out. Fair trial and all that, right?

Okay. I hope you’re still listening.

I’m writing this because I am bored. So bored, in fact, that I can actually feel my angelic brain tissues decay with each passing moment. I’ve tried to stave it off by conversing with my demonic minions, but few of them can even remember their own names, much less keep up with me in a debate about anything. Most just flap around giggling to themselves and lighting the damned on fire.

Boredom. That’s how it all started, actually: the whole Garden-of-Eden-snake-escapade, after which I was sentenced to eternity as humanity’s scapegoat and glorified boogeyman. Since that day, I’ve been blamed for everything from murders to spoiled milk, from global warming to ingrown toenails.

Seriously. Ingrown toenails. What possible reason would a powerful being like myself have for inflicting ingrown toenails on the not-dead populace, might I ask?

But I digress.

The days leading up to the one in which Eve took a nibble from the Forbidden Fruit were some of the worst in my eternal life.

First, God went and created a universe. I suspect that boredom weighed heavily in that decision. I don’t know why he would have been bored, though, since we angels were excellent company. We sang praises, bowed before his gloriousness, sang praises, basked in his presence, sang praises...

Actually, now that I think about it, creating a universe was probably a welcome change in pace.

So that happened, and then we angels were all stuck in Heaven watching this tangible, colorful, fascinating ball of life that we weren’t allowed to touch. The closest comparison I can make is fixing a deaf person’s hearing, then telling them to wear earplugs. It was maddening.

After a while, most of the other angels went back to their basking and singing, but I stayed and watched, waiting for an opportunity to strike. In hindsight, I’m sure God knew what I was up to,  
but since he didn’t stop me I must assume it was all part of his “grand plan” or something.

Also in hindsight, I suspect that this plan involves little more than the godly equivalent of chasing the dragon, and that my little rebellion was just another high, but who am I to question?

Anyway, this is how I became the first Stalker Angel, the first sociologist, and the first-ever being to sneak. I was breaking records, making footprints, shoving down the walls of civil restriction!

It was all very new and exciting.

Phase One was me tiptoeing around Heaven, recording the humans’ habits, and visually scouting Earth for a good host. Phase Two was me doing close naturalistic observation after possessing the host, since I couldn’t very well have gone down in my natural form. It would have burned out their puny mortal eyes.

In the end, I chose the snake. It had bitsy legs that I could use to propel myself along, a lithe body that was perfect for wrapping around branches, and a clever little mouth that I could speak through. It was really the ideal host.

Then Eve had her epiphany, and my slithering friend and I got blamed.

For the record, she started it. 

It was a perfectly normal day before everything went to Hell. The sun was shining, the air was full of sweet mist that wafted up from the ground, and the Forbidden Fruits were sitting fat and juicy in their tree-bush-thing. I was curled around one of its top branches basking in the sunlight when Eve walked up.

She was popping grapes into her mouth whilst staring at the Tree in a very discomfiting manner. I could practically see the gears turning as she slowly crunched grapes, looked between them and the Fruits, and repeated.

That was the first day any mortal being experienced temptation.

That was also the day I invented experiments.

Careful not to draw her attention, I unwound myself from my branch, crawled down to one that was closer to her head, and cleared my throat. She looked up at me.

“Those Fruits sure do look delicious today, don’t they?” I said. “It’s a shame you aren’t allowed to eat them.” Then I tutted a bit for good measure. She just looked at me.

After an appropriately dramatic pause, I continued. “Though, did he really say you aren’t allowed  
to eat them? After all, they are part of this garden, and you’re allowed to eat everything else... ” I theater-gasped and widened my eyes. “Maybe… maybe they’ll give you godly knowledge, and His Awesomeness just doesn’t want you to have it!”

And the rest, as they say, is history.

Even taking into account my personal and professional ruin, subsequent exile with a host of creation’s most idiotic creatures, and the fact that I get blamed for… everything, I don’t regret that decision. It was certainly better quality than those hybrid experiments that the Nephilim did a few centuries later.

However, I do want to set the record straight and make a few comments:

First, it was all Eve’s fault. She’s the one who nibbled. I just… nudged a bit. 

Second, my punishment was entirely too extreme. I mean, it was my first offence! Eternal damnation for tempting one measly mortal? With it being both the first sin and temptation ever, I suppose God was working out his boundaries and disciplinarian style - authoritarian or permissive? - but I think I got the short end of that deal. 

Third, boredom started it all. If God wants to prevent future disasters, then he had better give me something to do. I’ve heard this legend on Earth about Apollyon and the end of the world or something that sounds like it would be pretty fun to act out.

Fourth, I demand a retrial.

Sincerely,  
Lucifer.

Oh, and the snake got a bum deal, too.

**Author's Note:**

> Written for a class assignment. Some of my classmates were very Christian. I scandalized them. It was great.


End file.
